OK, so I have decided, after many years, to start talking about my problems. I am doing this in the hope that the community might understand me a little bit better, why I am the way I am, so to speak, and to reach out to others with similar "problems".
I have MDD - Massive Depression Disorder. I've had it for many years, more than a decade. In short I have a problem with my brain, more specifically with the release and uptake of serotonin. I have to take drugs to control this process. The impact on my life has been dramatic - I went from being a very outgoing and gregarious person to being an introverted recluse. Everyday life went from parties, travel, lots of friends to being trapped at home, curtains drawn and not daring to answer the phone. Let me elaborate...
For me the main problem is people, especially interacting with people one on one or in small groups. People scare the crap out of me. I have lost all my social skills and find it hard to act like a normal human being. I panic when the phone rings, or when I have to go out in public and interact, such as going shopping or to a meeting with people I don't know extremely well.
This is why I hate IRC. I have to be "in a room" with a group of people and interact like a normal person - but I find this very hard indeed. I have been told many times that I need to discuss things in IRC because its "in the open", however IRC is a significant barrier to entry into the Durpal community for people like me.
Not long ago I was publicly chastised by a prominent member of the community for not being involved with a certain initiative because I wasn't hanging out in IRC. In fact I was accused of undermining the initiate because I chose to discuss things in the issue queue (which I feel much more comfortable with).
This was of course entirely wrong - its simply where I can participate (the issue queue), and where I can be effective. I can't do this in IRC because I panic at the thought of having to interact with people directly. When I panic I go quiet, my thoughts scatter and I can't be effective - I have to leave, and fast. Its the flight reflex and its impossible to fight against.
I want to make it known that next time you tell someone that IRC is "where it happens" be aware that you just excluded a group of people who find IRC extremely difficult to participate in, if not downright intimidating. Sorry but I just can't get involved in IRC on a regular basis, its to tiring and my nerves just can't take it. IRC is bad for my health.
So now you know a little bit more about me and why I don't participate in IRC very much. Its just too scarey and I'd rather just stick to the issue queues where I feel I can be effective and have some control over my state of mind.
Some of you reading this probably find this all hard to take in because I have sat in long meetings with you and been very effective. Well, let me tell you about that - those are planned meetings with set times and durations. I can plan for it and mentally prep. Also I get to know you a bit better each time, so I get less panicky. IRC is just different and causes me much stress every time I go there.
Comments
Hi Jeff :) This might be a
Hi Jeff :)
This might be a bit weird to say, but I am really loving the effect this group is having on giving people a venue to talk about their health conditions and experiences negotiating their community involvement. I looked up MDD after you mentioned it last time, so it's interesting to hear some more about how this impacts you.
I can't personally relate with the fear of IRC and direct/real-time communication... but I can relate with being stressed out by situations others wouldn't think twice about. (When my generalized anxiety disorder ramps up, I tend to get slightly agoraphobic, and at the height of my generalized anxiety disorder 5-ish years ago, I could hardly bring myself to stand in lines at grocery stores.) So I can understand the very acute stress it causes to confront those situations that are triggering, and the need to flee NOW!
But I guess some situations that cause those feelings can also be necessary, or at least very helpful for getting certain things done (be it eating or collaborating on a Drupal initiative). ;) I'm not sure exactly how severe this is for you - it sounds like fairly - but might it be an option to stick your toe into the IRC world somehow? Like maybe on a smaller channel (is there a design channel or a local one that's less threatening?) Or maybe coming online once a week - saying you'll be there for 5 minutes, then leaving, and seeing if you can slowly increase the time. Maybe even stating when you sign on that you may need to leave suddenly so people aren't offended if you feel the need to sign off?
I'm sure you've thought about all this, but I know it can be really rewarding to make even some small confrontations to these very primal fears about things that pose more of an emotional threat than a physical one. Of course, your health is super important, so I know it's only ok to push so much.
And if that's not possible, honestly I think that between the issue queue and g.d.o you will be able to do a lot of non-real-time written communication with the people you're collaborating with, so hopefully you can work around it fairly well.
I for one, will stop wondering why I've never seen you around IRC. ;) Though if you ever do want to sign on to ask me about project management stuff for the initiative, the #drupal-pm channel usually only has between 1-3 people, and I promise I won't be offended if you suddenly disappear. :)
Thanks arianek. Actually I've
Thanks arianek. Actually I've been hanging out more and more in IRC, I need to push on it. Its very easy to just hide away from things and not confront them - I totally understand where you are coming from on this point. And I can totally empathize about grocery shopping lines. Three years ago that would have been a major achievement, to go shopping for food, even going to the local store to buy milk. I remember celebrating with my partner a few years back that I had actually gone to the shops without any major panic attack. We're talking about walking less than 200 yards down the road to a small grocery store, so yeah, that's how bad it was. Its much better now, I can go out whenever I feel like it, which is extremely liberating.
Today I had a long discussion in IRC with someone, and this is the first time (in five years) I have ever done that. Of course I knew the other person and like you say it was in one of the smaller channels. I know I have to do this because I owe it to my initiative to bring the discussions out in the open. I am very aware of this and knew this when I took it on. So I suspect that somewhere in my mind I know I have to confront my issue and to make it work somehow.
Severity is less than it used to be. I actually lurked the entire Drupal community for at least a year before I joined - so five years ago it was really bad, however over the past two years it got a lot better, and as many would have noticed my contribution sky rocketed. This is mainly due to having more tools to deal with shit and getting comfortable (trusting) the people I deal with everyday in the d.o community. That said it varies day to day, some days are great, some days not so great. I've learned to live with that.
I'm sure I'm not the only one
I'm sure I'm not the only one who can empathize - it's good to know what people are dealing with so we can support each other to challenge ourselves, and succeed. I'm really glad to hear that you're testing the waters some more. :) And at the very least, IRC is one of the places where it's most acceptable to say "oh crap, gotta go!" and just sign off!
Problem
I understand major depression and social anxiety disorder. I have a weird social anxiety related to My Aspergers. I fear what I say will be interpreted incorrectly. Often I say one thing, meaning it to be a good positive comment but people respond as if I was offensive. I am left puzzled, without any idea as to why what I wrote was offensive...
Yet IRC gives ME the ability to learn by having a discussion on topics and also by teaching others about things. It is a great tool for ME. I can see how it is an issue that you may not want to be in IRC, and I hope I am not one of the people who sound demanding about it. I just prefer to have a real time conversation, and just like I cant force you to use IRC, you cant force ME to use other types of media. But I don't think that is what you where attempting to do.
I guess I have to have hope that people will take what I say and interpret it in the best light. If not then bad things happen and I end up walking away confused and unhappy.
--Sig--
Owner of Proper Programming, LLC a software and website development firm.
Jeff++
I was actually meaning to post here - managed to miss meeting you (Jeff) in London, but I've noticed you organizing meetings on IRC and being more active there and wanted to say that it's awesome that you've been making an effort to step out of your comfort zone and at least see how it works for you. :)